My Mom Is Driving Me Crazy

Hey, it's me Sam -- as if you couldn't tell by the giant picture of me to the left of this blog. 

Anyhow, I know I complain about my mom a lot, but seriously, she's really chewin' on my nerves lately. The world should make you get a license to have a kid. My mom wouldn't have passed! Listen to what she did THIS WEEK alone! 

• She borrowed my clothes and got 'em all stretched out. She said hers weren't "form-fitting" enough. Her motto is, "It don't fit right unless it's too tight"
• She cashed in my savings bonds to buy a tub of self-tanning lotion. Then, she sold a pair of my earrings to hire someone to apply it.
• She made me eat dinner outside last night while she threw a fondue party. The worst part is, she didn't even let me lick the fondue bowl afterwards -- which is so mean because melted cheese is DELISH! 
• She used my toothbrush to get out the nasty stain in our bathtub because she couldn't find a sponge. She didn't tell me she did this until I had already brushed my teeth. Oh, and then she laughed so hard she peed her pants.
• She made me go on a blind double date with her new boyfriend Bob and his son, Harold. They both smelled like feta cheese. And that was that was the best thing about them. 
• She got a lip-plump and until she heals, I have to pulverize all of her food before she eats it. It's so gross. Even I wouldn't suck up a broccoli and cheese omelet through a straw.

I'd be worried that she would read this IF SHE had paid our internet bill, but she hasn't so I'm at Carly's house writing this. 

Bleh.